Grief and Loss, 1 May 2016
Enlarge Your Soul Through Grief and Loss
Series: Go Deeper
Matthew 26:31-44
Series Theme “Emotional health and contemplative spirituality, when interwoven together, offer nothing short of a spiritual revolution, transforming the hidden places deep beneath the surface of our lives,” says author and pastor Pete Scazzero in his book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality. This series is based upon the biblical themes of Scazzero’s book in an effort to help us better understand ourselves in order to better love God and others.
The Big Idea: Jesus was a man who expressed His emotions of grief and loss, setting an example for us to follow.
Introduction
We’re in the middle of a series entitled Go Deeper. Our lives are like an iceberg. We expose only a small portion of our real selves to others. Some of us live in denial about that which we know is true beneath the surface. Perhaps another way to say, “Go Deeper” is to say, “get real.” Get honest. Until we face reality, we will never be able to heal from the pain, overcome the addiction, or strengthen the weakness.
Last week we talked about how we can’t avoid trials. In this life, we will and do have trouble. We want to go over, under, or around but we must journey through the wall. Despite the courage involved, there are benefits to testing.
- God uses trials so we will look out…to others.
The book of Romans plainly says
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:15)
We are to
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
In addition,
- God uses trials so we will look up…to Him. He is with us…always. That’s a promise.
At the Wall, God asks some tough questions.
“What would you do without Me?”
“What will you do without My blessings?”
“Will you continue to seek Me?”
“Will you seek the ‘Other’ instead?”
At the Wall we learn a single truth that gets burned into us: life isn’t about us; it’s about God and His glory.
You were created by God.
You were created for God.
You were created for God’s glory.
On the Other Side of the Wall
The Wall always changes us. We can be bitter…or better. The Wall offers us an opportunity to move
- From pride to brokenness and humility
- From pleasure to appreciation and contentment
- From impatience to patience, able to wait for God
- From more to enough
- From immaturity to maturity
Grief & Loss
When we get to the other side of The Wall, it’s tempting to ignore the grief and loss that often accompany such a journey. Adrian Rogers said that everything in life relates to sin, sorrow and death. How cheery! How true.
Loss
All of life is about loss. We lose the safety of our mother’s womb, youth, dreams, control, illusions, and ultimately our health.
Grief and loss are done differently in various cultures and families.
Two-thirds of the Psalms deal with grief. They are called laments. The books of Job and Lamentations are also filled with grief and loss.
Scripture has been called the music of God. Here’s one famous passage:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…(Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4)
Perhaps you were told, “Big boys don’t cry.” Maybe you heard the message emotions should not be expressed. Those are clearly not biblical ideas. Perhaps nobody demonstrated His feelings—especially grief—like Jesus.
Matthew 26:36-46
I think many people find themselves in the midst of suffering and wonder where they can find God, how God could possibly understand their circumstances, how He could just watch those He says He loves go through such pain and agony. He understands…and He is with us…always.
Jesus’ followers were shocked to see the Messiah suffer, but His agony was prophesied centuries earlier. The prophet Isaiah said:
He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. (Isaiah 53:3)
That’s our God! He is familiar with grief and suffering, loss and pain. One of the most vivid examples is found in the Garden of Gethsemane, a place you can visit today in Jerusalem.
Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” (Matthew 26:36-38)
Jesus knows sorrow.
Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39)
He pleads for Plan B. He wants to go over, under, or around this Wall. Luke records this moment by saying
And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. (Luke 22:44)
Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” (Matthew 26:40-41)
Last week we noted the value of community, of support, of family. What do you do when those you need most aren’t there for you in your moment of greatest need?
He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” (Matthew 26:42)
He asks again for Plan B!
When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing. (Matthew 26:43-44)
Three times He begs the Father for a shortcut, for another path. He’s all alone. Can you imagine?
Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour is near, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us go! Here comes my betrayer!” (Matthew 26:45-46)
Jesus is depressed, distressed, and sorrowful. Can you relate? The book of Hebrews says:
During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. (Hebrews 5:7)
In the Garden Jesus falls to His face to the ground. He is prostrate on the ground. His sweat was like drops of blood (Luke 22:44). He is experiencing loss, preparing for the loss of His life and, even worse, the loss of His connection to the Father. He will become sin, taking our sins upon Himself. He will bear the wrath and judgment of a holy God. He will lose his friend Judas. He will lose the support of His followers who will abandon Him. His creation will crucify Him…all in the name of God!
This is not an attractive image of the King of kings and LORD of lords!
One element of the Scriptures that lends to their credibility is the raw, honest portrayals of the “heroes” of the Bible. The writers are never afraid to tell it like it is, warts and all!
This is not happy, successful, popular, wealthy Jesus!
This is our perfect model of what it means to be fully human.
Reactions To Pain
Divorce, death, breakups, failures, disappointments, shattered dreams, painful memories, and other forms of grief and loss invade our lives. Common reactions/defenses to grief and loss include
- denial
- minimizing (admitting something is wrong, but not acknowledging its impact)
- blaming others (or God)
- blaming yourself
- rationalizing (offering excuses and justifications)
- intellectualizing (analysis and theories to avoid personal awareness/feelings)
- distracting
- becoming hostile
- medicating
Many bury their pain of grief with addictions that are followed by guilt and shame as we lose control. It’s just like satan to tempt us into something, only to turn around and accuse us of the very action!
PTSD
These four letters together were not recognized until 1980 when the American Psychiatric Association added Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder to the third of edition of its manual of mental disorders. Grief and loss—especially if not processed appropriately—can wreak havoc in our lives. Traumatic events can impact us beyond our ability to cope…and affect us long after the experience.
Biblical Grieving
I want to offer a few suggestions to those of you who are grieving.
Pay attention
Don’t live in denial. Jesus was very real in the Garden. He held nothing back. His emotional burden was so great it had physical manifestations as He sweat drops of blood.
Wait in the confusing in-between (Ps. 37:7)
No matter what grief and loss you may be experiencing today, tomorrow is a new day. The story is not over. It’s SO hard to wait—for anything—but we can take hope knowing God is in control.
Embrace the gift of limits
In addition to loss, we are faced with limits in our life. Limits in our life include
Many of us find limits frustrating, but they are part of God’s plan. They cause us to rely upon Him. Paul had a “thorn in the flesh” God refused to remove. Undoubtedly it was to keep him on his knees, dependent upon God. Remember, life is not about us, it’s about God’s glory. When we are weak, He is strong and gets the glory.
Climb the ladder of humility
The word humility comes from the Latin humus which means “of the earth.”
In the sixth century, St. Benedict introduced the idea of a twelve-step ladder for growing in the grace of humility. Here’s a modified version of it:
Step 8: Transformation into the Love of God (no sarcasm, arrogance; content)
Step 7: Speaking Less (“The wise are known for their few words”)
Step 6: Deeply Aware of Being “Chief of All Sinners” (recognize our sinfulness)
Step 5: Radical Honesty to Others About Your Weaknesses/Faults (quit pretending)
Step 4: Patience To Accept The Difficulty of Others
Step 3: Willing To Subject Ourselves To The Direction of Others (surrender power)
Step 2: Doing God’s Will (not your own or that of others)
Step 1: Fear of God and Mindfulness of Him (He is present)
Where are you at today? I’m working on Step 1! Humility is a rare virtue. Most of us struggle with pride, manifested through arrogance or insecurity. Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking of yourself less. When our focus is on Jesus, we don’t have to impress others, mask our emotions, or fear failure. We don’t even have to be “successful” in the eyes of the world. We simply have to be obedient and faithful to God, His Word, and His will.
Listening To The Interruption
Jesus doesn’t deny his grief. Why do so many Christians?
Jesus is real and authentic. He feels. He expresses His emotions.
He listens to the interruptions of His life.
Have you ever felt so bad that you could just die? That’s how Jesus felt.
This passage is difficult for some people who want Jesus the superhero. For the rest of us, it is reassuring that He understands our struggles and trials and agony.
It is human to feel and hurt. Jesus understands…and He is with us through the Holy Spirit.
Resurrection
The beauty of dying to ourselves is the opportunity to be resurrected in Christ. This is beautifully illustrated in the water grave of baptism.
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. (Philippians 3:10-11)
We continue to celebrate the Resurrection, not merely one day of the year but every day. Jesus’ story did not end in the garden or on the cross. Death always precedes resurrection and new life.
Learning To Fall
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. (John 12:24)
The trash of the grief may smell, but there are diamonds in the mess that God can use.
When we listen to the interruption and learn to fall, our souls will enlarge.
a. our self-will breaks
Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered (Hebrews 5:8)
Jesus had a human will. He was fully God but also fully human. His humanity did not want to obey the Father. He did not naturally obey the Father. He wanted out. He submitted His will to the Father’s will.
Jesus prayed three times for the Father’s will.
You learn obedience through the struggle of grief.
You lose control at the wall (last week’s message).
Life is more than a series of problems we need to solve. Life is a mystery.
b. we learn about prayer
Prayer is the center of our life with Christ. David, Job, Jeremiah, Jesus grieved with God through prayer.
c. we create space for God
In emptying ourselves, we make room for more of God. When we give up control, we can lean into God.
Questions for Discussion
What does this text tell us about God?
What does this text tell us about ourselves?
What significant losses/disappointments did you experience
How did you respond to each?
How did your family deal with grief and loss when you were growing up?
Share one recent loss in your life. How has it affected you?
After leaving everything to follow Jesus, how did Peter react to Jesus’ shocking prediction in Matthew 26:31-36?
What are some of the reasons that Jesus is “overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” in Matthew 26:38-44?
How does He deal with grief and loss?
Which of the common defenses do you use to protect yourself from grief and loss?
The central message of Christianity is that death and suffering bring resurrection and new life. How have you experienced this? Be specific.
Credits and Stuff
Unless otherwise noted, Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION, Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers. All rights reserved.
Series outline and ideas from Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero (Thomas Nelson, 2006).
Some study questions from Lyman Coleman (The Serendipity Bible and The Serendipity Student Bible). Used with permission from the author.
Other study questions from Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Workbook by Peter Scazzero (Center for Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, 2007).
You can listen to this message and others at the First Alliance Church podcast here.
Series: Go Deeper
Matthew 26:31-44
Introduction
We’re in the middle of a series entitled Go Deeper. Our lives are like an iceberg. We expose only a small portion of our real selves to others. Some of us live in denial about that which we know is true beneath the surface. Perhaps another way to say, “Go Deeper” is to say, “get real.” Get honest. Until we face reality, we will never be able to heal from the pain, overcome the addiction, or strengthen the weakness.
Last week we talked about how we can’t avoid trials. In this life, we will and do have trouble. We want to go over, under, or around but we must journey through the wall. Despite the courage involved, there are benefits to testing.
- God uses trials so we will look out…to others.
The book of Romans plainly says
Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12:15)
We are to
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
In addition,
- God uses trials so we will look up…to Him. He is with us…always. That’s a promise.
At the Wall, God asks some tough questions.
“What would you do without Me?”
“What will you do without My blessings?”
“Will you continue to seek Me?”
“Will you seek the ‘Other’ instead?”
At the Wall we learn a single truth that gets burned into us: life isn’t about us; it’s about God and His glory.
You were created by God.
You were created for God.
You were created for God’s glory.
On the Other Side of the Wall
The Wall always changes us. We can be bitter…or better. The Wall offers us an opportunity to move
- From pride to brokenness and humility
- From pleasure to appreciation and contentment
- From impatience to patience, able to wait for God
- From more to enough
- From immaturity to maturity
Grief & Loss
When we get to the other side of The Wall, it’s tempting to ignore the grief and loss that often accompany such a journey. Adrian Rogers said that everything in life relates to sin, sorrow and death. How cheery! How true.
Loss
All of life is about loss. We lose the safety of our mother’s womb, youth, dreams, control, illusions, and ultimately our health.
Grief and loss are done differently in various cultures and families.
Two-thirds of the Psalms deal with grief. They are called laments. The books of Job and Lamentations are also filled with grief and loss.
Scripture has been called the music of God. Here’s one famous passage:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance…(Ecclesiastes 3:1, 4)
Perhaps you were told, “Big boys don’t cry.” Maybe you heard the message emotions should not be expressed. Those are clearly not biblical ideas. Perhaps nobody demonstrated His feelings—especially grief—like Jesus.
Matthew 26:36-46
I think many people find themselves in the midst of suffering and wonder where they can find God, how God could possibly understand their circumstances, how He could just watch those He says He loves go through such pain and agony. He understands…and He is with us…always.
Jesus’ followers were shocked to see the Messiah suffer, but His agony was prophesied centuries earlier. The prophet Isaiah said:
He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. (Isaiah 53:3)
That’s our God! He is familiar with grief and suffering, loss and pain. One of the most vivid examples is found in the Garden of Gethsemane, a place you can visit today in Jerusalem.
Then Jesus went with his disciples to a place called Gethsemane, and he said to them, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.” (Matthew 26:36-38)
Jesus knows sorrow.
Going a little farther, he fell with his face to the ground and prayed, “My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me. Yet not as I will, but as you will.” (Matthew 26:39)
He pleads for Plan B. He wants to go over, under, or around this Wall. Luke records this moment by saying
And being in anguish, he prayed more earnestly, and his sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground. (Luke 22:44)
Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Could you men not keep watch with me for one hour?” he asked Peter. “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” (Matthew 26:40-41)
Last week we noted the value of community, of support, of family. What do you do when those you need most aren’t there for you in your moment of greatest need?
He went away a second time and prayed, “My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done.” (Matthew 26:42)
He asks again for Plan B!
When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. So he left them and went away once more and prayed the third time, saying the same thing. (Matthew 26:43-44)
Three times He begs the Father for a shortcut, for another path. He’s all alone. Can you imagine?
Then he returned to the disciples and said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Look, the hour is near, and the Son of Man is betrayed into the hands of sinners. Rise, let us go! Here comes my betrayer!” (Matthew 26:45-46)
Jesus is depressed, distressed, and sorrowful. Can you relate? The book of Hebrews says:
During the days of Jesus’ life on earth, he offered up prayers and petitions with loud cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverent submission. (Hebrews 5:7)
In the Garden Jesus falls to His face to the ground. He is prostrate on the ground. His sweat was like drops of blood (Luke 22:44). He is experiencing loss, preparing for the loss of His life and, even worse, the loss of His connection to the Father. He will become sin, taking our sins upon Himself. He will bear the wrath and judgment of a holy God. He will lose his friend Judas. He will lose the support of His followers who will abandon Him. His creation will crucify Him…all in the name of God!
This is not an attractive image of the King of kings and LORD of lords!
One element of the Scriptures that lends to their credibility is the raw, honest portrayals of the “heroes” of the Bible. The writers are never afraid to tell it like it is, warts and all!
This is not happy, successful, popular, wealthy Jesus!
This is our perfect model of what it means to be fully human.
Reactions To Pain
Divorce, death, breakups, failures, disappointments, shattered dreams, painful memories, and other forms of grief and loss invade our lives. Common reactions/defenses to grief and loss include
- denial
- minimizing (admitting something is wrong, but not acknowledging its impact)
- blaming others (or God)
- blaming yourself
- rationalizing (offering excuses and justifications)
- intellectualizing (analysis and theories to avoid personal awareness/feelings)
- distracting
- becoming hostile
- medicating
Many bury their pain of grief with addictions that are followed by guilt and shame as we lose control. It’s just like satan to tempt us into something, only to turn around and accuse us of the very action!
PTSD
These four letters together were not recognized until 1980 when the American Psychiatric Association added Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder to the third of edition of its manual of mental disorders. Grief and loss—especially if not processed appropriately—can wreak havoc in our lives. Traumatic events can impact us beyond our ability to cope…and affect us long after the experience.
Biblical Grieving
I want to offer a few suggestions to those of you who are grieving.
Pay attention
Don’t live in denial. Jesus was very real in the Garden. He held nothing back. His emotional burden was so great it had physical manifestations as He sweat drops of blood.
Wait in the confusing in-between (Ps. 37:7)
No matter what grief and loss you may be experiencing today, tomorrow is a new day. The story is not over. It’s SO hard to wait—for anything—but we can take hope knowing God is in control.
Embrace the gift of limits
In addition to loss, we are faced with limits in our life. Limits in our life include
- - physical body
- - family of origin
- - marital status
- - intellectual capacity
- - talents and gifts
- - material wealth
- - educational opportunities
- - raw material (personality, temperament)
- - time
- - work
- - relationship realities
- - spiritual understanding
- - ministry
Many of us find limits frustrating, but they are part of God’s plan. They cause us to rely upon Him. Paul had a “thorn in the flesh” God refused to remove. Undoubtedly it was to keep him on his knees, dependent upon God. Remember, life is not about us, it’s about God’s glory. When we are weak, He is strong and gets the glory.
Climb the ladder of humility
The word humility comes from the Latin humus which means “of the earth.”
In the sixth century, St. Benedict introduced the idea of a twelve-step ladder for growing in the grace of humility. Here’s a modified version of it:
Step 8: Transformation into the Love of God (no sarcasm, arrogance; content)
Step 7: Speaking Less (“The wise are known for their few words”)
Step 6: Deeply Aware of Being “Chief of All Sinners” (recognize our sinfulness)
Step 5: Radical Honesty to Others About Your Weaknesses/Faults (quit pretending)
Step 4: Patience To Accept The Difficulty of Others
Step 3: Willing To Subject Ourselves To The Direction of Others (surrender power)
Step 2: Doing God’s Will (not your own or that of others)
Step 1: Fear of God and Mindfulness of Him (He is present)
Where are you at today? I’m working on Step 1! Humility is a rare virtue. Most of us struggle with pride, manifested through arrogance or insecurity. Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It’s thinking of yourself less. When our focus is on Jesus, we don’t have to impress others, mask our emotions, or fear failure. We don’t even have to be “successful” in the eyes of the world. We simply have to be obedient and faithful to God, His Word, and His will.
Listening To The Interruption
Jesus doesn’t deny his grief. Why do so many Christians?
Jesus is real and authentic. He feels. He expresses His emotions.
He listens to the interruptions of His life.
Have you ever felt so bad that you could just die? That’s how Jesus felt.
This passage is difficult for some people who want Jesus the superhero. For the rest of us, it is reassuring that He understands our struggles and trials and agony.
It is human to feel and hurt. Jesus understands…and He is with us through the Holy Spirit.
Resurrection
The beauty of dying to ourselves is the opportunity to be resurrected in Christ. This is beautifully illustrated in the water grave of baptism.
I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. (Philippians 3:10-11)
We continue to celebrate the Resurrection, not merely one day of the year but every day. Jesus’ story did not end in the garden or on the cross. Death always precedes resurrection and new life.
Learning To Fall
I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. (John 12:24)
The trash of the grief may smell, but there are diamonds in the mess that God can use.
When we listen to the interruption and learn to fall, our souls will enlarge.
a. our self-will breaks
Although he was a son, he learned obedience from what he suffered (Hebrews 5:8)
Jesus had a human will. He was fully God but also fully human. His humanity did not want to obey the Father. He did not naturally obey the Father. He wanted out. He submitted His will to the Father’s will.
Jesus prayed three times for the Father’s will.
You learn obedience through the struggle of grief.
You lose control at the wall (last week’s message).
Life is more than a series of problems we need to solve. Life is a mystery.
b. we learn about prayer
Prayer is the center of our life with Christ. David, Job, Jeremiah, Jesus grieved with God through prayer.
c. we create space for God
In emptying ourselves, we make room for more of God. When we give up control, we can lean into God.
Questions for Discussion
What does this text tell us about God?
What does this text tell us about ourselves?
What significant losses/disappointments did you experience
- - when you were age 3-12?
- - as a teenager?
- - as a young adult?
- - as an adult?
How did you respond to each?
How did your family deal with grief and loss when you were growing up?
Share one recent loss in your life. How has it affected you?
After leaving everything to follow Jesus, how did Peter react to Jesus’ shocking prediction in Matthew 26:31-36?
What are some of the reasons that Jesus is “overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death” in Matthew 26:38-44?
How does He deal with grief and loss?
Which of the common defenses do you use to protect yourself from grief and loss?
The central message of Christianity is that death and suffering bring resurrection and new life. How have you experienced this? Be specific.
Credits and Stuff
Unless otherwise noted, Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION, Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Bible Publishers. All rights reserved.
Series outline and ideas from Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero (Thomas Nelson, 2006).
Some study questions from Lyman Coleman (The Serendipity Bible and The Serendipity Student Bible). Used with permission from the author.
Other study questions from Emotionally Healthy Spirituality Workbook by Peter Scazzero (Center for Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, 2007).