Bitterness
How to Live, 1 October 2023
02 10 23 Filed in: Sermons | Ephesians: Our True Identity
How to Live
Ephesians: Finding Our True Identity
Ephesians 4:29-32
Series Big Idea: The book of Ephesians reveals our true identity…in Christ!
Big Idea: Life in the Kingdom of God is radically different than in the world around us.
Who are you?
We’ve been going verse-by-verse through the book of Ephesians, a letter sent to a church in modern day Turkey that reveals our true identity…in Christ! Tragically, many draw their identity from their job, politics, education, net worth, sexual orientation, friends, addiction, worst mistake, or even family. Those things contribute to who we are, but our primary identity should come from being in Christ. Thirteen times in the NIV translation of Ephesians, the phrase “in Christ” is used. Paul used the idea more than 200 times in his writings. Do you know what those two words mean? One pastor wrote,
“As Christians, we live from our identity, not for our identity. We are defined by who we are in Christ, not what we do or fail to do for Christ. Christ defines who we are by who he is and what he’s done for us, in us, and through us. Understanding this information is the key to your transformation.”
We are in Christ or in idolatry…anything that takes a higher priority. I’m saying all of this as an introduction because we’re about to read some challenging words which we cannot follow, at least not on our own. We need a higher power. We need God…because life in the Kingdom of God is radically different than in the world around us.
Don’t use foul or abusive language. (Ephesians 4:29a, NLT)
What does this really mean? The New International Version translates it this way:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, (Ephesians 4:29a, NIV)
Foul language. Abusive language. Unwholesome talk. The entertainment industry has assembled a list of words that it deems inappropriate, at least for children. They can change a G-rated movie into a PG, PG-13, or even an R just by those words alone.
When our kids were younger, we had some good conversations about language. Why are some words acceptable and others not? Are “Christian swear words” ok? Is it really such a big deal when everyone is saying it? How did some words that even appear in the Bible become profanity?
The issue isn’t so much the articulation of one word or another. It’s about the meaning of the words. A word in one culture may have a different meaning in another. I infamously used a word in a sermon years ago with multiple meanings, one of which was unsuitable for a sermon…or any other usage! I had no idea and went on an apology tour the next week!
In college, I went on a trip to England where I used a particular word which I was told meant something quite different across the pond than it does in the USA!
The thing about language is it’s a communication tool. What are you communicating? What do you intend to communicate? What is in your heart…and will it be received that way? The verse continues…
Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. (Ephesians 4:29b)
My parents used to say, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” I think that’s generally good advice, and the point Paul is making to this church. Let every word that comes out of your mouth be good, helpful, and encouraging. The message isn’t simply, “Don’t cuss.” It means don’t gossip. Don’t be unnecessarily critical. Or as we used to joke in youth group, “Edify, stupid!”
That was only a joke, but that reminds me of something my dad used to tell me all the time when I got in trouble: it’s not what you said, it’s how you said it. Some researchers believe 60-70 percent of human communication is non-verbal…loudness, pitch, style, tone…to say nothing of eye contact, gestures, and body language. There’s a huge difference between a child (sweetly) saying, “I’m sorry” and (yelling) “I’m sorry!!!”
Human speech can communicate virtually any emotion, and be constructive or destructive in the process. Do you remember the old line, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but…words will never hurt me”? What a lie! Words can be devastatingly toxic…or they can transform a life for the good.
I imagine most of you can recall something said many years ago that was encouraging or destructive. Maybe it was a parent, teacher, or friend. To this day, my mom still offers encouraging words to me, while others I know never knew such positivity, struggling to even believe they are loved…by God or anyone else.
Jesus literally got to the heart of the matter in one of his famous interactions with the religious Pharisees.
You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. (Matthew 12:34, ESV)
Let’s take a look at a bit of the context:
“A tree is identified by its fruit. If a tree is good, its fruit will be good. If a tree is bad, its fruit will be bad. 34 You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say. 35 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. 36 And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. 37 The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you.” (Matthew 12:33-37, NLT)
Words are powerful. They convey meaning. Communication is built through them. Yet today, it seems harder and harder to find words that are good, beautiful, and true. From fake news to racist song lyrics, from profanity saturated tv shows and movies to slander and lies online, Paul’s letter sounds almost prudish, if not unimaginable.
Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. (Ephesians 4:29b)
This is another example where Christ-followers can live the ultimate alternative lifestyle. When people tell inappropriate jokes, we need not repeat them. When music contains parental warnings, we can opt to listen to something else. When “everybody’s doing it,” we can choose to consume and produce the good, helpful, and encouraging.
It sounds simple, right? I can’t say I’ve heard much profanity on Sunday mornings here, but what about Monday morning? The message is not simply, “stop cussing.” Jesus said out of the heart the mouth speaks, so get to the heart of the matter. Fill your mind and heart with the good, beautiful, and true. But know growth and maturity take time.
One of the great myths of the Christian faith is you need to clean up your act in order to come to Jesus. What a lie from the pit of hell! The amazing thing about our faith is all are welcome…come as you are…but don’t stay there. Grow! We’re all on a journey. Where you are today is less important than where you’re headed…what you’re becoming…how you are growing. My twelve week-old grandson should be filling his diapers…but if he’s wearing them when he’s twelve years old, we’ve got a problem! If you’re new in your faith, of course you’re going to sin and screw up, but hopefully as you spend more time with Jesus, filled with the Holy Spirit, your head, heart, and hands will begin to change.
The book of Romans offers us a glimpse at spiritual maturity regarding the mouth.
Before Christ,
“Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.” (Romans 3:14)
Then
If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved. (Romans 10:9-10)
A changed heart will result in changed speech…from profanity to praise, from gossip to glorifying God, from hatred to holiness, from bitterness to blessing, from…you get the idea! The Bible is filled with examples of transformation, which is why we believe people can change. We know people can change! Masterpieces can be and are being restored. Hallelujah! But as I often say, it’s not about striving, but surrender. It’s about letting the Holy Spirit fill you with good fruit and gifts. But it’s also about making good choices.
It has been said you are your friends. Choose wisely. Garbage in, garbage out. If you hang out with people who encourage and bless, chances are you’ll do the same. If you fill you mind with trashy entertainment, don’t be surprised if it leaks out of you. Jesus said,
A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. 18 A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. (Matthew 7:17-18, NLT)
The word bad used here in the original Greek referred to rotten fruit. It might not be poisonous, but it’s worthless. We need to fill our hearts and minds with Jesus, with the truth of the Bible, with the encouragement of godly friends, and with that which is good and beautiful. The overall message of verse 29 is not to have a swear jar to penalize yourself every time you say a bad word. It’s to fill your heart with good fruit, good ideas, good words, constructive messages to bless others. For more on the tongue, see James chapter three. Our words are powerful, for good or bad. Let’s re-present Jesus well with our lips.
Now that we’ve finished the first verse of today’s sermon, let’s continue!
And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. (Ephesians 4:30, NLT)
Some translations say don’t grieve the Spirit. This reminds me of the parent who said to their child, “Whatever you do is a reflection upon our family.” People are watching us…even if you don’t have a fish on the rear bumper of your car! When you surrendered your life to Jesus—if you have, and I urge you to do so if you haven’t yet—you became his. Jesus wants to be LORD, Master, not just buddy or consultant. We are Christ’s ambassadors. We’ve been called to re-present God to the world. If our words aren’t constructive, we give God a bad name.
We can grieve or glorify God by the way we live. If you have more than one child, you know that awful feeling when your kids don’t get along, fighting and arguing. You may also know the joy of seeing them get along. Imagine our Heavenly Father and what He feels when He sees how we live with one another.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. (Ephesians 4:31, NLT)
Bitterness. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die! I read an amazing story from Warren Wiersbe.
A handsome elderly man stopped at my study one day and asked me if I would perform a wedding for him. I suggested that he bring the bride in so that we might chat together and get better acquainted, since I hesitate to marry strangers. “Before she comes in,” he said, “let me explain this wedding to you. Both of us have been married before—to each other! Over thirty years ago, we got into an argument, I got mad, and we separated. Then we did a stupid thing and got a divorce. I guess we were both too proud to apologize. Well, all these years we’ve lived alone, and now we see how foolish we’ve been. Our bitterness has robbed us of the joys of life, and now we want to remarry and see if the Lord won’t give us a few years of happiness before we die.” Bitterness and anger, usually over trivial things, make havoc of homes, churches, and friendships.
Bitterness, rage, anger (which is not necessarily a sin, by the way). Paul has already spoken about our words. If our actions and words aren’t enough, he throws in “all types of evil behavior.” Stop it! How? Begin spiritual habits, simple rhythms. Join a Life Group. Read a chapter a day in the Bible (maybe start in Ephesians or John). Invite someone out for coffee to engage in a spiritual conversation. Access the free Right Now Media subscription resources. Download the YouVersion app and begin a Bible reading plan. Take one small step toward growth. If all else fails, send me an e-mail and we’ll discuss it together.
Remember, though, “spiritual formation is slow, incremental, over time, with others, and for others” (Richard Bush).
We’ve seen the negative list. Here’s a positive vision for how Christians are to behave.
Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32, NLT)
What a vision! Who wants to be a part of a family like that?
Perhaps the opposite of bitterness is forgiveness, and this is a radical thing in our culture where we are prone to either cancel someone or take them to court. There may be a time and place for that, but forgiveness takes things to another level. We can’t forgive people on our own strength, but when we see how God has forgiven us, with His power we can forgive. The most famous prayer in history states, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Paul is echoing that here in verse 32. What if we don’t forgive? First, it will probably harm us more than the other person.
We all love the idea of forgiveness…until we have someone to forgive. Who do you need to forgive? They don’t deserve it. Forgiveness is never earned. It’s a choice you make to set them—and yourself—free. It doesn’t mean you trust them. It doesn’t mean everything goes back to the way it used to be, but it means you’re done with bitterness. You’re letting go.
Family, we’re always going to hurt one another. Hopefully there will never be harmful intent, but where two or more are gathered, there is bound to be conflict. If you hurt me, you want forgiveness, right? We need to be a community of faith, hope, and especially love filled with grace and forgiveness. We need to silence the lie of the enemy that wants us trapped in the pain of the past and press on toward the abundant life Jesus promised us. This is not easy. It might involve professional help. The wounds will take time to heal. But we can choose, declare, decide God will be the judge and we can forgive them because we’ve been forgiven so much by God. Let it go! For God’s sake, forgive!
Conclusion
I would love to stand in front of you each week and encourage, sharing good news. The reality is, sin is a part of each of our lives. We need to be reminded of the bad and the good, the prohibitions and the positive instructions.
Life in the Kingdom of God is radically different than in the world around us.
You can listen to this message and others at the First Alliance Church podcast here.
You can watch this video and others at the First Alliance Church Video Library here.
Ephesians: Finding Our True Identity
Ephesians 4:29-32
Series Big Idea: The book of Ephesians reveals our true identity…in Christ!
Big Idea: Life in the Kingdom of God is radically different than in the world around us.
Who are you?
We’ve been going verse-by-verse through the book of Ephesians, a letter sent to a church in modern day Turkey that reveals our true identity…in Christ! Tragically, many draw their identity from their job, politics, education, net worth, sexual orientation, friends, addiction, worst mistake, or even family. Those things contribute to who we are, but our primary identity should come from being in Christ. Thirteen times in the NIV translation of Ephesians, the phrase “in Christ” is used. Paul used the idea more than 200 times in his writings. Do you know what those two words mean? One pastor wrote,
“As Christians, we live from our identity, not for our identity. We are defined by who we are in Christ, not what we do or fail to do for Christ. Christ defines who we are by who he is and what he’s done for us, in us, and through us. Understanding this information is the key to your transformation.”
We are in Christ or in idolatry…anything that takes a higher priority. I’m saying all of this as an introduction because we’re about to read some challenging words which we cannot follow, at least not on our own. We need a higher power. We need God…because life in the Kingdom of God is radically different than in the world around us.
Don’t use foul or abusive language. (Ephesians 4:29a, NLT)
What does this really mean? The New International Version translates it this way:
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, (Ephesians 4:29a, NIV)
Foul language. Abusive language. Unwholesome talk. The entertainment industry has assembled a list of words that it deems inappropriate, at least for children. They can change a G-rated movie into a PG, PG-13, or even an R just by those words alone.
When our kids were younger, we had some good conversations about language. Why are some words acceptable and others not? Are “Christian swear words” ok? Is it really such a big deal when everyone is saying it? How did some words that even appear in the Bible become profanity?
The issue isn’t so much the articulation of one word or another. It’s about the meaning of the words. A word in one culture may have a different meaning in another. I infamously used a word in a sermon years ago with multiple meanings, one of which was unsuitable for a sermon…or any other usage! I had no idea and went on an apology tour the next week!
In college, I went on a trip to England where I used a particular word which I was told meant something quite different across the pond than it does in the USA!
The thing about language is it’s a communication tool. What are you communicating? What do you intend to communicate? What is in your heart…and will it be received that way? The verse continues…
Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. (Ephesians 4:29b)
My parents used to say, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” I think that’s generally good advice, and the point Paul is making to this church. Let every word that comes out of your mouth be good, helpful, and encouraging. The message isn’t simply, “Don’t cuss.” It means don’t gossip. Don’t be unnecessarily critical. Or as we used to joke in youth group, “Edify, stupid!”
That was only a joke, but that reminds me of something my dad used to tell me all the time when I got in trouble: it’s not what you said, it’s how you said it. Some researchers believe 60-70 percent of human communication is non-verbal…loudness, pitch, style, tone…to say nothing of eye contact, gestures, and body language. There’s a huge difference between a child (sweetly) saying, “I’m sorry” and (yelling) “I’m sorry!!!”
Human speech can communicate virtually any emotion, and be constructive or destructive in the process. Do you remember the old line, “Sticks and stones will break my bones but…words will never hurt me”? What a lie! Words can be devastatingly toxic…or they can transform a life for the good.
I imagine most of you can recall something said many years ago that was encouraging or destructive. Maybe it was a parent, teacher, or friend. To this day, my mom still offers encouraging words to me, while others I know never knew such positivity, struggling to even believe they are loved…by God or anyone else.
Jesus literally got to the heart of the matter in one of his famous interactions with the religious Pharisees.
You brood of vipers! How can you speak good, when you are evil? For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks. (Matthew 12:34, ESV)
Let’s take a look at a bit of the context:
“A tree is identified by its fruit. If a tree is good, its fruit will be good. If a tree is bad, its fruit will be bad. 34 You brood of snakes! How could evil men like you speak what is good and right? For whatever is in your heart determines what you say. 35 A good person produces good things from the treasury of a good heart, and an evil person produces evil things from the treasury of an evil heart. 36 And I tell you this, you must give an account on judgment day for every idle word you speak. 37 The words you say will either acquit you or condemn you.” (Matthew 12:33-37, NLT)
Words are powerful. They convey meaning. Communication is built through them. Yet today, it seems harder and harder to find words that are good, beautiful, and true. From fake news to racist song lyrics, from profanity saturated tv shows and movies to slander and lies online, Paul’s letter sounds almost prudish, if not unimaginable.
Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them. (Ephesians 4:29b)
This is another example where Christ-followers can live the ultimate alternative lifestyle. When people tell inappropriate jokes, we need not repeat them. When music contains parental warnings, we can opt to listen to something else. When “everybody’s doing it,” we can choose to consume and produce the good, helpful, and encouraging.
It sounds simple, right? I can’t say I’ve heard much profanity on Sunday mornings here, but what about Monday morning? The message is not simply, “stop cussing.” Jesus said out of the heart the mouth speaks, so get to the heart of the matter. Fill your mind and heart with the good, beautiful, and true. But know growth and maturity take time.
One of the great myths of the Christian faith is you need to clean up your act in order to come to Jesus. What a lie from the pit of hell! The amazing thing about our faith is all are welcome…come as you are…but don’t stay there. Grow! We’re all on a journey. Where you are today is less important than where you’re headed…what you’re becoming…how you are growing. My twelve week-old grandson should be filling his diapers…but if he’s wearing them when he’s twelve years old, we’ve got a problem! If you’re new in your faith, of course you’re going to sin and screw up, but hopefully as you spend more time with Jesus, filled with the Holy Spirit, your head, heart, and hands will begin to change.
The book of Romans offers us a glimpse at spiritual maturity regarding the mouth.
Before Christ,
“Their mouths are full of cursing and bitterness.” (Romans 3:14)
Then
If you openly declare that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. 10 For it is by believing in your heart that you are made right with God, and it is by openly declaring your faith that you are saved. (Romans 10:9-10)
A changed heart will result in changed speech…from profanity to praise, from gossip to glorifying God, from hatred to holiness, from bitterness to blessing, from…you get the idea! The Bible is filled with examples of transformation, which is why we believe people can change. We know people can change! Masterpieces can be and are being restored. Hallelujah! But as I often say, it’s not about striving, but surrender. It’s about letting the Holy Spirit fill you with good fruit and gifts. But it’s also about making good choices.
It has been said you are your friends. Choose wisely. Garbage in, garbage out. If you hang out with people who encourage and bless, chances are you’ll do the same. If you fill you mind with trashy entertainment, don’t be surprised if it leaks out of you. Jesus said,
A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. 18 A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. (Matthew 7:17-18, NLT)
The word bad used here in the original Greek referred to rotten fruit. It might not be poisonous, but it’s worthless. We need to fill our hearts and minds with Jesus, with the truth of the Bible, with the encouragement of godly friends, and with that which is good and beautiful. The overall message of verse 29 is not to have a swear jar to penalize yourself every time you say a bad word. It’s to fill your heart with good fruit, good ideas, good words, constructive messages to bless others. For more on the tongue, see James chapter three. Our words are powerful, for good or bad. Let’s re-present Jesus well with our lips.
Now that we’ve finished the first verse of today’s sermon, let’s continue!
And do not bring sorrow to God’s Holy Spirit by the way you live. Remember, he has identified you as his own, guaranteeing that you will be saved on the day of redemption. (Ephesians 4:30, NLT)
Some translations say don’t grieve the Spirit. This reminds me of the parent who said to their child, “Whatever you do is a reflection upon our family.” People are watching us…even if you don’t have a fish on the rear bumper of your car! When you surrendered your life to Jesus—if you have, and I urge you to do so if you haven’t yet—you became his. Jesus wants to be LORD, Master, not just buddy or consultant. We are Christ’s ambassadors. We’ve been called to re-present God to the world. If our words aren’t constructive, we give God a bad name.
We can grieve or glorify God by the way we live. If you have more than one child, you know that awful feeling when your kids don’t get along, fighting and arguing. You may also know the joy of seeing them get along. Imagine our Heavenly Father and what He feels when He sees how we live with one another.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. (Ephesians 4:31, NLT)
Bitterness. It’s like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die! I read an amazing story from Warren Wiersbe.
A handsome elderly man stopped at my study one day and asked me if I would perform a wedding for him. I suggested that he bring the bride in so that we might chat together and get better acquainted, since I hesitate to marry strangers. “Before she comes in,” he said, “let me explain this wedding to you. Both of us have been married before—to each other! Over thirty years ago, we got into an argument, I got mad, and we separated. Then we did a stupid thing and got a divorce. I guess we were both too proud to apologize. Well, all these years we’ve lived alone, and now we see how foolish we’ve been. Our bitterness has robbed us of the joys of life, and now we want to remarry and see if the Lord won’t give us a few years of happiness before we die.” Bitterness and anger, usually over trivial things, make havoc of homes, churches, and friendships.
Bitterness, rage, anger (which is not necessarily a sin, by the way). Paul has already spoken about our words. If our actions and words aren’t enough, he throws in “all types of evil behavior.” Stop it! How? Begin spiritual habits, simple rhythms. Join a Life Group. Read a chapter a day in the Bible (maybe start in Ephesians or John). Invite someone out for coffee to engage in a spiritual conversation. Access the free Right Now Media subscription resources. Download the YouVersion app and begin a Bible reading plan. Take one small step toward growth. If all else fails, send me an e-mail and we’ll discuss it together.
Remember, though, “spiritual formation is slow, incremental, over time, with others, and for others” (Richard Bush).
We’ve seen the negative list. Here’s a positive vision for how Christians are to behave.
Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:32, NLT)
What a vision! Who wants to be a part of a family like that?
Perhaps the opposite of bitterness is forgiveness, and this is a radical thing in our culture where we are prone to either cancel someone or take them to court. There may be a time and place for that, but forgiveness takes things to another level. We can’t forgive people on our own strength, but when we see how God has forgiven us, with His power we can forgive. The most famous prayer in history states, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” Paul is echoing that here in verse 32. What if we don’t forgive? First, it will probably harm us more than the other person.
We all love the idea of forgiveness…until we have someone to forgive. Who do you need to forgive? They don’t deserve it. Forgiveness is never earned. It’s a choice you make to set them—and yourself—free. It doesn’t mean you trust them. It doesn’t mean everything goes back to the way it used to be, but it means you’re done with bitterness. You’re letting go.
Family, we’re always going to hurt one another. Hopefully there will never be harmful intent, but where two or more are gathered, there is bound to be conflict. If you hurt me, you want forgiveness, right? We need to be a community of faith, hope, and especially love filled with grace and forgiveness. We need to silence the lie of the enemy that wants us trapped in the pain of the past and press on toward the abundant life Jesus promised us. This is not easy. It might involve professional help. The wounds will take time to heal. But we can choose, declare, decide God will be the judge and we can forgive them because we’ve been forgiven so much by God. Let it go! For God’s sake, forgive!
Conclusion
I would love to stand in front of you each week and encourage, sharing good news. The reality is, sin is a part of each of our lives. We need to be reminded of the bad and the good, the prohibitions and the positive instructions.
Life in the Kingdom of God is radically different than in the world around us.
You can listen to this message and others at the First Alliance Church podcast here.
You can watch this video and others at the First Alliance Church Video Library here.